Things are moving! I am moving!

I've been bad recently and haven't written anything here in nearly a month. I'm sitting upstairs in my room in my parents' house, although it's really only so much "my" room as any room you've never actually lived in can be... my parents moved here while I was in college so I've spent breaks and holidays here but it isn't home. It is home enough, though. 

I'm so glad you've been able to be more creative recently! I've fallen into quite the cellphone trap while with my parents and when I move (in four days!!! I got my visa!!!) I am determined to get my screen time way down. I think I should be able to. Its led me to be less creative than I otherwise may have been during this time. I'd love to see some of your paintings if you're willing to post your work! But I totally get if not, it's a very personal thing. 

Most of the drawings and paintings I've been doing in the past year are plein air, which is something I'd never really done before. I've enjoyed it. 

I went on a road trip to see friends in Colorado and Oklahoma, which was absolutely lovely. All but one of the Oklahoma friends were, up until now, just online friends I made through twitter and I am pleased to report that we got along in real life! The one friend I have there who isn't from online is from college, though we only ever went to school together for one semester, first semester freshman year. 

On the ways to and from Oklahoma I stopped in Colorado and went to two separate tea shops in two separate towns. I've always loved tea but mostly have just drank bagged teas from the grocery store, and when I went to the tea shops I went with friends who really know tea, which was so special. I've been drinking a lot of tea with my family the past few days, making pot after pot after pot, re-steeping the same leaves and talking about how different the first steep is from the fourth. I fear I may be becoming a little bit obsessed, but I'm also excited because it's been quite a while since I last had an obsession. 

I've been feeling a bit brain dead, so I think this is all for now. I'll write something good once I've moved, I think. And updates will be fun then, full of new things.

Chilly chilly cold and clear-headedness

The cold absolutely clears my mind. On days when I've swam in the morning, I don't feel I need coffee. The cold plunge in the icy tub didn't do all too much for me, but I suspect that's because I wasn't in there for very long. Too short and too shocking? I'm not entirely sure. I think the best thing for me is a ten (or more) minute swim in fifty-five to sixty degree water, so that it's cold yet bearable. I also think there's something to be said about being in a natural body of water. It's probably more effective, spiritually, to wade in a cold stream than it is to dunk in a plastic tub in the yard. Wading always has a nice calming effect on me. 

Now that I won't have my early morning swim anymore, I'm considering different ways of communing with nature in the mornings. Unfortunately, neither my future apartment nor my future workplace are particularly close to any nature preserves or particularly woodsy parks in the city. I had been thinking that maybe a brisk walk (and a moment of barefootedness) might be the solution, but I don't think that would be nearly as effective in the big field with the paved paths I'll be living near.

Do you think you can smell snow?

In LA. Thinking about nothing in particular but want to get on track.

I've been thinking to myself "what on earth should I write about now that Liza and I have met, and so recently at that?" I mean, you know everything that's going on with me right now. I haven't been learning anything new recently either, so I can't write about that... I'm at a loss. So here's what I've been up to since Friday.

Over the weekend, I drove with my older sibling, L, to go visit my younger sister, M, as you know. We spent most of the weekend in her house just sort of hanging out. L planned us a D&D one shot that we spent the whole of Friday evening and some of Saturday preparing our characters for. It was set in Narnia and we really only got a tiny bit of the way in because we spent so long on our characters, which means it's turned into a longer campaign. I am a faun named Theo. M is a tortle named Madame Gallonius (unsure of the spelling on that one). She's overly cautious because I think she doesn't understand yet that the DM doesn't want us to die and she doesn't want anything else to go wrong. A lot of it was just her asking questions, understandably. What else did we do? We made some good food, had some good heart to hearts, went for a walk, and watched a movie. 

The house is way out in the boonies in the woods and has a sauna in the backyard. Both house and sauna are heated by wood stoves. What a lovely existence! It's such a special, cozy type of heat. We sat in the sauna on Sunday morning and took periodic cold plunges in the "plunge tub" which is just a huge plastic tub in the yard that's filled with water and, as you can imagine, ice. I've gotten into the habit of a cold morning plunge with my early morning swimmers, but the Puget Sound has nothing on an ice bath! It was so cold! 

I'm in LA now at the consulate. I'm going to have dinner tonight with another friend I met through twitter. Tomorrow I have my appointment, so wish me luck!! Also, my address that you have is temporary until I move, but if you send any letters that get to it after I leave I'll still receive them eventually because it's my parents' address. Ciao!

I have been loved so well all my life

Maybe if I put this out into the world I can stop thinking about it so damn much. 

I recently stepped outside of my comfort zone and took a chance and dated a friend of mine (something I generally avoid doing at all costs, but I really thought it could work out this time... it didn't) for a few months this summer. It was the most complicated and messy and frustrating relationship I've been in. I suppose I should follow that up by saying I haven't been in many relationships (I spent nearly three of the last six years in one relationship, then a while later five months in another), but that I have had plenty of little flings and have never felt so thoroughly exhausted, used, etc. by anybody before. But all that is not the point of this post. 

At the end of our whirlwind of a relationship, he told me he was afraid that everything he'd done to break my trust and to hurt me had ruined me forever. Ruined. This and a few other things, I'll spare you the details on those because they're far worse, I haven't been able to get out of my head. On the one hand, it's insulting because it feels like he wants to have me marked as his territory even after the fact, branded by pain. On the other hand it's insulting because I would never let me being "ruined" even be a possibility. I am far too resilient for that and it's insulting that he disregards that entirely. I do not feel stupid for having trusted him because I took the things he told me at face value and made the best decisions I could with what he showed me about himself. None of it is or was about me. I have been loved so well all my life by my friends and by my family and I have always known what it is to be cared for and supported. Anybody would have to do infinitely more harm than he has to destabilize me. 

That is not to say that I am not hurt by what he did. Of course I am and of course it will take me time to recover from it and it will take me time to trust somebody wholly again but I am not ruined and I can never be ruined. I have been heartbroken before in an all consuming way that this cannot hold a candle to and, though I hadn't been wronged then in the way I have now, that didn't ruin me so I know this can't either.

I love to have old friends and sometimes it gets me in a pensive mood

I definitely do not have a hard time being friends with people my own age, but I do find it difficult to find people my own age to be friends with. I don't know where the hip young people hang out and, even if I did, I wouldn't know how to approach them. But that's okay. Not everybody needs to have a sitcom-style close knit group of friends their own age who all frequent the same bar and play specific roles in the group and say quippy little one liners. A lot of my friends here are people I know through dancing, most of whom are ten or more years older than I am, or through my early morning skinny dipping group, most of whom are thirty or more years older than I am. 

This morning, after swimming, I was at a friend's house for breakfast and to help give some guidance on lighting and decorating. As a sixty-four year old, she's experienced all sorts of things I can't even imagine. Her sons are my age, almost. I think I'm nearly a year older than her eldest. Regardless, what I mean to say is that she is quite a bit older than I am. On this particular morning, she finally told me a bit more about her soon-to-be ex-husband and how he just up and left one day, about a year ago. They had been together for more than half of her life and he just left. I can't even begin to imagine what that feels like. She said they've had only minimal contact because he told her that when he sees her face he can't function for an entire week afterward because he loves her so much, but that they need to get divorced. She told me sometimes she understands and sometimes she doesn't. On a very conceptual level and, oddly enough, on a deeply instinctual and emotional level, I kind of get it. But in every way in between those two, I don't. And I think that's kind of where I tend to operate. On the border between logical and emotional, but trying to make everything make sense in a very concrete way. 

The heartbreak that comes with somebody up and leaving after thirty-five years of marriage is something I can't even begin to imagine. How do you go one? When my college boyfriend and I broke up after about two and a half, nearly three years, I was completely useless for months. I couldn't eat. I became so weak that I needed two friends to help me move from my college town into the apartment I'm in now. I am only just now, two years later, feeling like I might be ready to really be with somebody again, romantically, in a meaningful capacity. At sixty-four, do you ever decide to try again? Do you wait for him to come back, knowing he loves you and wishes he could be with you but says he just can't, not now, maybe not ever?

My brake light came on today. I'm bringing my car to her mechanic tomorrow.

All Hallows' Eve

Though I'd like to think I have a pretty good grasp of grammar, I still had to look up All Hallows' Eve just to make sure I'd put the apostrophe in the right spot. Anyway, today's the day! I've got a zoom call with my best friends from college scheduled for a few hours from now and a little party I'm going to miss because it was planned after the zoom was. Oh well. I can't have it all. 

In my current state of semi-unemployment, I've been doing odd jobs for people. This summer, I was working part time as a gardener, and will be doing that again this Friday, but the past week I've helped an older friend of mine, A, around her house three times now. Two of the times have also been with my friend R. He and I met through twitter. Though we live in the same city currently, he lived in Scotland when we first started following one another and so we didn't realize we had this in common (he lived here before Scotland and now lives here again). It's been fun and we've been joking that we ought to start a business as handymen. So far, we've built a sauna, reorganized a living room, prepped wooden panels for painting (A is a painter), done some yard work, and insulated some windows. Another older friend has asked me to help out a bit around her house as well, now that her kids are out of the house and she's no longer married. She says she needs some "hygge" in her home. What is it with women in their 50s - 60s and being obsessed with that word? 

There's a (kind of embarrassingly large) part of me that wishes I could just stay here and keep just doing odd jobs for people. Truth be told, it's the most fun and easy and rewarding work I've ever done. I think I need a doctor wife so that I can stay home and do domestic tasks like stacking firewood and gardening and fixing things.

I really ought to start packing up my own apartment for my upcoming move. It's sort of looming over me, but I haven't dealt with it yet. I just need to put it off a little longer. I'm really doing everything but dealing with my own apartment. I don't want this entire blog to just be move updates, but that's a big thing going on in my life right now. On the bright side, I think I've got an apartment set to move into! It has four bedrooms and actually belongs to A's parents. I'll be one of two new people moving in at right around the same time. It's one of the most beautiful apartments I've ever seen (though only virtually)!! It's entirely furnished, too, so I can just sell all my furniture and not have to worry about anything. 

Since getting back a week and a half ago, I haven't really cooked at all. Like, I've cooked rice and veggies and stuff like that but I haven't planned and cooked a meal. If you have any recipes you like or ideas or inspiration of any sort, please share. I don't have any dietary restrictions and like most foods. 

Big Things are Happening

6:10 am on Wednesday, October 25th. An hour ago I accepted a job offer that will have me moving halfway around the world. There's no turning back now, full speed ahead! I have a pit in my stomach, I'm so nervous. I kind of can't believe I did it. I feel a little trapped because I've just committed to going back to a 9 to 5 job after enjoying seasonal work in the garden so much. So many of my friends work seasonal jobs that I'm a bit of an outlier for the whole graduating from college and going straight into a 9 to 5 thing. Anyway. 

It's funny, writing a blog that I know only one person is reading. It's like being penpals a little bit, but more public. And there isn't the traditional back and forth structure. I do like it, though. I think I might come back and write more later today, maybe something about things I've been making recently. I am preparing for Halloween. I have two parties I'm going to and might do one costume for both or two separate costumes. Only one of the costumes is ready so far. 

For now, I'm off to my early morning skinny dip!

Hi there :)

I'm writing this from a little apartment in Tirana, Albania. The first place I've stayed with my parents on this trip and had my own room (the first time I've had my own room in a bit over a month). I usually live alone, so I've been a little extra tired just from sharing rooms and sleeping on sofas in living rooms. There's really nothing to do about it other than to be excited to get back to my own apartment soon. I'm going to go draw myself a bath and soak until I turn into a prune.

This trip is the longest period of time I've ever been continually on the go. I flew to Berlin on the 29th or 30th of August, I don't quite remember which day, then took the train to Lübeck, where I lived with an aunt in high school, then flew to Split and Dubrovnik in Croatia, then to Vienna, and then, finally, here to Tirana. I love to travel and see people, places, and things, but deep in my core I'm a bit of a homebody and I'm tired. 

This past week I've been on a bicycle trip with my parents and other people in their 50s and 60s and maybe even 70s. It was a mix of people on e-bikes and regular bikes. Because I'm not a cyclist in the slightest (unless you call riding my bike to a friend's house cycling), I rode an e-bike. I did do a good job of keeping it turned off or turned to the lowest setting. There was one woman on the trip I didn't like. On the first day I met her, she nearly yelled at the poor kid working the front desk at the hotel we were at for that night because he told her there was only one key per room and that her roommate had already taken it. She went on to do other things like talk over me at lunch to say the exact same piece of information I was already saying, just louder and faster so she would get the credit for knowing it. I think she views conversations as an opportunity to show that she knows a lot of information rather than an opportunity to connect with other people, because she didn't ask anybody even a single question the entire week. I'm glad I'm not like that and I'm glad nobody else on the trip was like that, other than her.

I'm at a bit of a crossroads in my life. But I suppose we're always at a crossroads. I remember when I was fifteen or sixteen and my high school boyfriend (well, 8th through 10th grade boyfriend) and I both weren't sure how to break up with one another and I think both kept putting it off and then one day we went for a walk at lunchtime and he said "so I think at this point we can either keep dating or we can break up. What do you think?" and I always thought that was odd because that's every point in a relationship, but I didn't tell him that. I told him I thought we should probably do the latter and he looked relieved and then he wasn't my boyfriend anymore. 

But anyway. I'm at a crossroads because I'm not entirely sure I'm actually interested in the career I've set myself up for and I'm not sure where I want to live and I'm faced with a big decision regarding both of those things and I don't even know what to base it on. I've been at this crossroads since Friday the 13th (January, not October), when I was laid off. How's a girl supposed to know who she is and what she wants, anyway? I put off making the decision by saying I wanted to move to Germany and by finding work as a gardener and by planning this big long trip and by going to Utah for a month to dogsit, but the decision still needs to be made eventually. Oh well. I'm not going to think about it until I'm done with my trip and back at my apartment. 

I think I'm going to get a pixie cut. I had one for a bit in high school and I think I'd like to have one again now. I was growing my hair out for the longest time, but then I got into the habit of the early morning nudie swim with a group of friends, more on that later probably, and I think the saltwater was bad for my hair because I didn't always do a good job of rinsing it out and I got more and more split ends and I decided eventually that I had to part with it. I think it's been long enough that the hair that's on my head right now hasn't ever been dyed. I used to dye my hair all sorts of colors. And then, for a few years, I was dying it a darker shade of brown every fall until one year when I accidentally dyed it black and gave up dyeing my hair once and for all, telling myself it was so I could go blonde eventually. But I don't really think I'd look good as a blonde.