I burst out laughing at the thought of you smelling like a horse farm.

 That's all.

Another blog post, just under the wire...

Third blog post since deleting twitter from my phone on Sunday morning... hmmm... 

Anyway, I'll try to make this one a bit less angsty than the last few, but that is kind of just how I've been feeling. Today there's something new, though. I am feeling a little bit insane. At one point today I could feel my brain melting and expanding against my skull, threatening to break through and ooze out of my ears. I'm not even kidding. I don't think people were meant to sit at a computer all day (though here I am, at a computer again) and I have a theory that I am one of the most extreme cases of not being meant to sit at a computer all day. Or maybe that's just because we're all trying to hide from one another how utterly insane it makes us feel. 

There's another strike on Friday from 3am until 10am and it's going to make me late to work, so I'm going in early tomorrow and will work nine hours. I really truly think it might make me go insane. I am going to take a shower now and then go for a walk and then I am going to come back and look up everybody you listed in your post from yesterday and take a good, long look at their artwork. I think I need to walk more. I'm feeling inspired by your five mile Wednesdays. 

Re: your rejection from the exhibition, I'm sorry to hear that! I do think outside motivation is necessary sometimes, as much as we'd like to imagine we should be able to operate in a vacuum. 

Re: scents, I have been on the search for something that will make me smell like the idea of what you'd smell like after working in a garden all day long. I know the reality well, having worked as a gardener, and it's mostly just stinky and sweaty, but I'd like something that's herbal and floral and a touch mulchy and smells like the sun is beating down on you. Do you know of anything? Also, if you do end up launching a brand, I would like to be one of your first customers. 

I think I need to really get to work thinking about my career because there is no world in which I can just keep on sitting at a desk for the rest of my life. I am considering gardening again or going to school for horticulture or maybe becoming a bicycle mechanic (I, who cannot change a bike tire) or maybe becoming a massage therapist. Regardless, I would like to minimize time spent sitting at a desk in front of a computer. Admittedly, though, I am hoping this insanity is only temporary and that I am just settling in and that soon I will feel normal about work. I do doubt it, though... 

If a tree falls in a forest and only I am there to hear it, does it make a sound?

I'm not entirely sure this is universal but I do imagine I'm not alone in this and that it's actually quite a bit more common than I'd think it is. So much of the time I spend alone I feel as though I don't quite exist. Unless I'm doing something Big. A Saturday walking around town and running errands or a Monday evening spent cleaning up and showering and preparing for the week are just black holes. I didn't "do" anything with them, I have no proof that anything even happened at all, other than the stocked fridge or the clothes back on their hangers. If I make something or I really do something (a hike, perhaps) I feel like the time actually passed in a meaningful way. Not in the sense that I find those things meaningful, which I do, but in the sense that every minute was put toward something. Sometimes, it can be shocking to be out running errands and look down at your watch and see that hours have gone by and all you've done is bought one book, tried to come up with a good grocery list, and found out that the art supply store you wanted to go to is closed for renovations. Why do things happen the way they do?

I deleted twitter from my phone yesterday morning. We'll see how long that lasts. Before you ask, yes I did still check in the evening yesterday from my laptop. And tonight, too. I've been told that's harm reduction. 

Maybe continuing to exist when nobody else is around is one of the more difficult things I'll have to learn to do in my 20s.

There's a strike and I'm making friends and I was on my period.

I guess it's what it sounds like. There was a rail strike which meant I took the earliest possible trains to and from the town in northern Germany where my friend whose birthday it was lives. That also coincided with a protest, which was kind of fun. I basically stepped out of the train station and into a huge crowd (I think the estimate was ten thousand?) of people protesting against the far right political party here in Germany. The birthday party was lovely but I was pooped from my day of travel and fell asleep on the sofa. Oops. 

I've begun making friends in Berlin a little bit. One is a coworker and three are friends of friends. I've yet to meet somebody, like, truly organically here. I guess the coworker is organic but she started a week after I did so we we're brand new together. One of the new friends is sort of a soulmate person. I've only met her twice but I have this strong sense of kinship toward her right off the bat and I'm hoping it leads somewhere beautiful (platonically). I think we'll see one another this week. She just had a pretty major surgery and so I'll go over there with some flowers and snacks and see if there's anything else I can do to support her. 

This past week was rough because a boy I've been in sort of constant contact with for about a month lost interest in me and kind of went AWOL at exactly the same time that my period started. Oh well. Neither the former nor the latter was much of a surprise. My period came when it was supposed to and, well, I knew that would happen with the boy sooner or later. What can you do? Back to the drawing board, I suppose. That or try to be a little less obsessed with romance. It feels sometimes like it's the only thing I think about. 

Have you ever become convinced one of your friends might be your soulmate?

I don't know. It sounds kind of silly. There are a select few people I can really truly picture a life with. Not because I'm in love with them, necessarily, but because I know we love one one another so much and are such committed people that if we decided to be together we could absolutely be happy together, simply because we've put our minds to it. I think there are two people I see that going even further with, to be that like in some universe, on some level, we are perfect partners for one another. And one of those people I really truly think I could fall madly, deeply, passionately, all-consumingly, from this life into the next in love with if given a chance. I'm not entirely sure why I'm writing about it because it doesn't really change anything about anything. I don't want to be in a relationship with him (I mean in like a distant, hypothetical way I sort of do but not in any real way) and we don't live in the same country and we don't even talk very often and he is dating somebody and I, though I am not dating anybody, always sort of have somebody occupying my thoughts. I think if we ever kiss I will see god.

First post from my new place!

I've moved! I'm in Berlin now! I wasn't going to post where I am on here at first, but I decided today there are definitely enough Charlottes in Berlin that it really truly is fine if I share that. Plus, I don't actually think any random person is going to find my blog and decide to stalk me. Anyway, I'm in Berlin. I've moved into my apartment (huuuge bedroom, kind of chilly, tall ceilings, in a cool part of town). The apartment has four bedrooms and soon there will be four of us living here, but I've only met one of my roommates so far. 

I haven't made any new friends yet, but the last two days I've seen K, the girlfriend of the best friend of my penpal N, whom I'd never met before December, and her friend G. They met through their masters program. They're very nice and when we spend time together it's been very laid back and comfortable. I don't feel very alone at all, knowing I've got them. I'm getting settled.

Today, I've got to work on learning a software I exaggerated my abilities with during my job interview (oops) and I think I may go to a flea market or two, if they're open, and see if I can find a few little things I need. A butter dish, some sort of jewelry stand, a dish to keep odds and ends. I thought I would have more time yesterday, but I didn't. I was going to buy some books, but that will just have to wait until sometime this week. I mostly just went to the grocery store (once before eating, during what seemed to be a grocery rush, without a list, and once again after eating, during a quieter time, with a list) and sat in my room and talked on the phone. 

As mentioned before, my apartment is kind of chilly. It's a bit below freezing today and it's a Sunday and I have my radiators turned all the way up, but that's no match for the size of my room and my enormous windows, so I'm wearing a cashmere pullover and a camelhair cardigan and have a blanket over my lap. It's difficult to motivate myself to venture outside to go to the flea markets... I'm not entirely sure I'll be leaving my apartment today. I had originally thought I'd go for a walk today. Maybe I need to change out of my wool tights and denim skirt and into my warm wool pants. That might be necessary for a walk. Maybe I should make some tea first. Maybe I'll take a bath later.

I'm a little bit sleepy...

I start work tomorrow.

Things are moving! I am moving!

I've been bad recently and haven't written anything here in nearly a month. I'm sitting upstairs in my room in my parents' house, although it's really only so much "my" room as any room you've never actually lived in can be... my parents moved here while I was in college so I've spent breaks and holidays here but it isn't home. It is home enough, though. 

I'm so glad you've been able to be more creative recently! I've fallen into quite the cellphone trap while with my parents and when I move (in four days!!! I got my visa!!!) I am determined to get my screen time way down. I think I should be able to. Its led me to be less creative than I otherwise may have been during this time. I'd love to see some of your paintings if you're willing to post your work! But I totally get if not, it's a very personal thing. 

Most of the drawings and paintings I've been doing in the past year are plein air, which is something I'd never really done before. I've enjoyed it. 

I went on a road trip to see friends in Colorado and Oklahoma, which was absolutely lovely. All but one of the Oklahoma friends were, up until now, just online friends I made through twitter and I am pleased to report that we got along in real life! The one friend I have there who isn't from online is from college, though we only ever went to school together for one semester, first semester freshman year. 

On the ways to and from Oklahoma I stopped in Colorado and went to two separate tea shops in two separate towns. I've always loved tea but mostly have just drank bagged teas from the grocery store, and when I went to the tea shops I went with friends who really know tea, which was so special. I've been drinking a lot of tea with my family the past few days, making pot after pot after pot, re-steeping the same leaves and talking about how different the first steep is from the fourth. I fear I may be becoming a little bit obsessed, but I'm also excited because it's been quite a while since I last had an obsession. 

I've been feeling a bit brain dead, so I think this is all for now. I'll write something good once I've moved, I think. And updates will be fun then, full of new things.

Chilly chilly cold and clear-headedness

The cold absolutely clears my mind. On days when I've swam in the morning, I don't feel I need coffee. The cold plunge in the icy tub didn't do all too much for me, but I suspect that's because I wasn't in there for very long. Too short and too shocking? I'm not entirely sure. I think the best thing for me is a ten (or more) minute swim in fifty-five to sixty degree water, so that it's cold yet bearable. I also think there's something to be said about being in a natural body of water. It's probably more effective, spiritually, to wade in a cold stream than it is to dunk in a plastic tub in the yard. Wading always has a nice calming effect on me. 

Now that I won't have my early morning swim anymore, I'm considering different ways of communing with nature in the mornings. Unfortunately, neither my future apartment nor my future workplace are particularly close to any nature preserves or particularly woodsy parks in the city. I had been thinking that maybe a brisk walk (and a moment of barefootedness) might be the solution, but I don't think that would be nearly as effective in the big field with the paved paths I'll be living near.

Do you think you can smell snow?

In LA. Thinking about nothing in particular but want to get on track.

I've been thinking to myself "what on earth should I write about now that Liza and I have met, and so recently at that?" I mean, you know everything that's going on with me right now. I haven't been learning anything new recently either, so I can't write about that... I'm at a loss. So here's what I've been up to since Friday.

Over the weekend, I drove with my older sibling, L, to go visit my younger sister, M, as you know. We spent most of the weekend in her house just sort of hanging out. L planned us a D&D one shot that we spent the whole of Friday evening and some of Saturday preparing our characters for. It was set in Narnia and we really only got a tiny bit of the way in because we spent so long on our characters, which means it's turned into a longer campaign. I am a faun named Theo. M is a tortle named Madame Gallonius (unsure of the spelling on that one). She's overly cautious because I think she doesn't understand yet that the DM doesn't want us to die and she doesn't want anything else to go wrong. A lot of it was just her asking questions, understandably. What else did we do? We made some good food, had some good heart to hearts, went for a walk, and watched a movie. 

The house is way out in the boonies in the woods and has a sauna in the backyard. Both house and sauna are heated by wood stoves. What a lovely existence! It's such a special, cozy type of heat. We sat in the sauna on Sunday morning and took periodic cold plunges in the "plunge tub" which is just a huge plastic tub in the yard that's filled with water and, as you can imagine, ice. I've gotten into the habit of a cold morning plunge with my early morning swimmers, but the Puget Sound has nothing on an ice bath! It was so cold! 

I'm in LA now at the consulate. I'm going to have dinner tonight with another friend I met through twitter. Tomorrow I have my appointment, so wish me luck!! Also, my address that you have is temporary until I move, but if you send any letters that get to it after I leave I'll still receive them eventually because it's my parents' address. Ciao!

I have been loved so well all my life

Maybe if I put this out into the world I can stop thinking about it so damn much. 

I recently stepped outside of my comfort zone and took a chance and dated a friend of mine (something I generally avoid doing at all costs, but I really thought it could work out this time... it didn't) for a few months this summer. It was the most complicated and messy and frustrating relationship I've been in. I suppose I should follow that up by saying I haven't been in many relationships (I spent nearly three of the last six years in one relationship, then a while later five months in another), but that I have had plenty of little flings and have never felt so thoroughly exhausted, used, etc. by anybody before. But all that is not the point of this post. 

At the end of our whirlwind of a relationship, he told me he was afraid that everything he'd done to break my trust and to hurt me had ruined me forever. Ruined. This and a few other things, I'll spare you the details on those because they're far worse, I haven't been able to get out of my head. On the one hand, it's insulting because it feels like he wants to have me marked as his territory even after the fact, branded by pain. On the other hand it's insulting because I would never let me being "ruined" even be a possibility. I am far too resilient for that and it's insulting that he disregards that entirely. I do not feel stupid for having trusted him because I took the things he told me at face value and made the best decisions I could with what he showed me about himself. None of it is or was about me. I have been loved so well all my life by my friends and by my family and I have always known what it is to be cared for and supported. Anybody would have to do infinitely more harm than he has to destabilize me. 

That is not to say that I am not hurt by what he did. Of course I am and of course it will take me time to recover from it and it will take me time to trust somebody wholly again but I am not ruined and I can never be ruined. I have been heartbroken before in an all consuming way that this cannot hold a candle to and, though I hadn't been wronged then in the way I have now, that didn't ruin me so I know this can't either.

I love to have old friends and sometimes it gets me in a pensive mood

I definitely do not have a hard time being friends with people my own age, but I do find it difficult to find people my own age to be friends with. I don't know where the hip young people hang out and, even if I did, I wouldn't know how to approach them. But that's okay. Not everybody needs to have a sitcom-style close knit group of friends their own age who all frequent the same bar and play specific roles in the group and say quippy little one liners. A lot of my friends here are people I know through dancing, most of whom are ten or more years older than I am, or through my early morning skinny dipping group, most of whom are thirty or more years older than I am. 

This morning, after swimming, I was at a friend's house for breakfast and to help give some guidance on lighting and decorating. As a sixty-four year old, she's experienced all sorts of things I can't even imagine. Her sons are my age, almost. I think I'm nearly a year older than her eldest. Regardless, what I mean to say is that she is quite a bit older than I am. On this particular morning, she finally told me a bit more about her soon-to-be ex-husband and how he just up and left one day, about a year ago. They had been together for more than half of her life and he just left. I can't even begin to imagine what that feels like. She said they've had only minimal contact because he told her that when he sees her face he can't function for an entire week afterward because he loves her so much, but that they need to get divorced. She told me sometimes she understands and sometimes she doesn't. On a very conceptual level and, oddly enough, on a deeply instinctual and emotional level, I kind of get it. But in every way in between those two, I don't. And I think that's kind of where I tend to operate. On the border between logical and emotional, but trying to make everything make sense in a very concrete way. 

The heartbreak that comes with somebody up and leaving after thirty-five years of marriage is something I can't even begin to imagine. How do you go one? When my college boyfriend and I broke up after about two and a half, nearly three years, I was completely useless for months. I couldn't eat. I became so weak that I needed two friends to help me move from my college town into the apartment I'm in now. I am only just now, two years later, feeling like I might be ready to really be with somebody again, romantically, in a meaningful capacity. At sixty-four, do you ever decide to try again? Do you wait for him to come back, knowing he loves you and wishes he could be with you but says he just can't, not now, maybe not ever?

My brake light came on today. I'm bringing my car to her mechanic tomorrow.