12.6.2021 (Monday)

I don't think anything of interest has happened since I last wrote in here. To be frank, I don't quite remember what it was that I last wrote in here. I just know it's been a week. 

I've been really enjoying my own company this week. So much so that I've almost said no to or cancelled all of my plans. But I know myself better than to do that. If I don't have enough social interaction, I'll go crazy or become sad -- though, to be fair, I only need to see other people a few times a week and can spend the rest of my time in solitude. I had three social engagements this weekend and one was just a walk Jon and I took together. 

There's a part of me that's upset that I didn't move out to New York City after graduating from college. My best friend, Mitchel, is there. So is my older sibling (though I didn't know that in advance, they decided to move there on a Friday around midday and flew out that Sunday). I think I'd like to be there too. There's just so much going on in the city, so much to do. And I've got a bit of a community out there, which is something I feel as though I'm lacking here sometimes. I know I'm not actually lacking it and that I can simply work harder to build community if I am, but sometimes it's nice to have that already built in a bit. 

Right now, I'm sitting on my sofa in a pair of pants I finally took the time to take in this evening after staring at them for months, telling myself I'd take them in soon. I just finished watching maybe my favorite movie ever (God Help the Girl), which I know objectively isn't a great movie. It's extraordinarily twee and not particularly deep, but I absolutely adore it and hopefully always will. 

Last week and this weekend, I did the very brave thing that is breaking things off and tying up loose ends with people I was seeing. Not particularly many people (contrary to Jon's beliefs, when I told him what I was doing he said "wow that's a lot of people to break things off with" and when I told him it was only two, he told me he'd thought it'd be closer to twelve. I don't know how much time he thinks I have), but enough people to make it a chore. One of the people wasn't even necessarily a person who could be counted as a person I "was seeing" as it was only our second date. After the first date, I felt fairly certain that I was only interested in friendship with them rather than romance or sex, but after seeing them again, I'm a bit less sure of that. They're a very interesting person to talk to and spend time with, and I found myself attracted to them in certain moments. Regardless, I told them about the break I'm taking from dating and said that I'd like to spend time with them as friends in the meantime, if they're okay with that. They said they were fine with that, so I'm looking forward to getting to know them better. 

I leave for the holidays soon. I'm excited to see my family again, though I just saw them for Thanksgiving. 

I had a dream the other night about my mother. Well, not directly about my mother. In the dream, I met a woman who reminds me of my mother and we chatted a bit in German and she gave me a really lovely hug and she felt exactly the way my mother feels to hug. There's something very particular about her frame and her skin. And the fact that, although she's practically skin and bone, she gives those close, deep, warm hugs that people typically need a bit more body mass to manage to give. That's part of what's incredible about my mother! She can do it anyway. When I woke up from the dream, I thought to myself: "do I miss mama? Is that what I'm being told right now?" And I thought it was funny that I could possibly already miss her because I just saw her two weeks ago. Regardless, I'm excited to see her again, though I know I'll get tired of her and my father after the three weeks I'm about to spend with them. 

Until next time!

11.28.2021 (Sunday)

I got back from my trip to New York on Friday and I've been feeling a bit uninspired about documenting it in here... I think I will soon, but when I tried to write about it earlier, it felt flat and I realized I wouldn't want to read what I was writing. 

I've spent this weekend mostly by myself, which was nice and a bit odd after having spent a week and a half constantly surrounded by my friends and family while I was visiting. I do think it was much needed. Friday evening and Saturday morning I was with one of my best friends here. I haven't told her about this whole online journal thing yet, so I haven't asked if I can use her name in it. For now, we'll refer to her as B. On Friday, B and I went out for barbecue, then lazed around my apartment and watched Rupaul's Drag Race (which I'd never watched before) until I couldn't keep my eyes open anymore. She went home because, although it was originally intended to be a sleepover, she wasn't tired yet and I kept falling asleep, which I'll blame on jet lag. I woke up bright and early (though not very bright, we live in a dark and rainy place) and we went to a French bakery to get breakfast, which we ate at her apartment. I'd never been to her apartment before. We always hang out at my apartment because it's bigger and has more seating and also because I require more social interaction than she does so I'm usually the one to make plans and invite her over. 

I told myself that I'd work on sewing projects I've been neglecting and maybe clean my apartment for the rest of the day before maybe seeing Jon in the evening, but none of those things came to fruition. There was a nice glow coming in through the kitchen window, so I took off on a walk. Whenever I set out on a walk, I decide it's going to be short and sweet and I don't bother dressing for the weather or making sure my phone has a charge before I leave. Yesterday's walk ended up being three hours long and took me almost all the way to a friend's work, but I decided about ten minutes before I would've arrived that I needed to go home because I had a momentary burst of sewing inspiration, which did not survive the hour-long walk home. I had to go to the FedEx store to pick up a package, which turned out to be a pair of fancy pajamas I ordered online when I got my second paycheck. The first paycheck was used to replenish my saving's account after I'd drained it in the process of moving. I spent a good portion of the rest of the day lounging around in my new pajamas and reading a book on my sofa, and asked Jon if he wanted to spend some time together. Jon told me he'd let me know when he was available in the evening, which he never did. Not that I particularly expected him to. 

Today was a very lazy day, though I did manage to do one or two productive things. I woke up at 7:30 but somehow didn't leave my apartment until nearly 11, despite my plans to be up and at 'em early today. I decided to drive to a part of town I'd only been in once before to take care of some errands (really just buying soap). Life is more fun when you do mundane tasks in kind of random places rather than staying around your area. I generally prefer to walk, but after yesterday's nine mile walk, I figured it was fine if I drove instead. Plus, I generally only drive once every two or three weeks for some random errand or to pick a friend up from the airport. For a moment there, I had enough friends coming and going that I could've come up with a name and started a lucrative airport shuttle business. I got breakfast near the store I was going to and got a decent breakfast sandwich. Nothing to write home about (though that makes it funny that I'm writing about it here), but satisfying nonetheless. I also went to the grocery store. Trader Joe's, to be more specific, which means that I came home with an interesting selection of frozen foods, but couldn't find sardines to put on the focaccia I bought. In hindsight, I have a hard time imagining that there wasn't a single can of sardines in the entire store, but I didn't find it and so it didn't seem to exist. 

A majority of my afternoon was spent alone. I'm not entirely certain what I did in the time after I got back from the store, but I know I didn't get most of the things on my to do list done. I did, however, end up spending time with Jon. He came over and we chatted and caught up about the last two weeks and ate some pistachios. I really love the moments we spend together, him on the little blue sofa and me on the big green one, talking about all sorts of things and also nothing at all. Today, I proclaimed to him that I've decided to stop being interested in my crush and that I may simply decide never to fall in love again because it doesn't quite seem worth it. He told me that I'm not really in charge of that and that it's all a part of being human. He's been spending a lot of time with his partner recently, as opposed to before they started dating (which makes a lot of sense), and so I try to make the most of our time together by being as obnoxious as possible. 

As I've written about in here before, I've been thinking a lot about time spent by myself and how I can make the most of it. Not in a productivity way, but in an enjoyment of human existence sort of way. I think that maybe the best way for me to do that is to take a break from dating. Again, I've gone into it a bit before, but I feel like I really lost the ability to spend time by myself during my previous relationship, which made having such an abrupt breakup more difficult for me than it already would've been. I already decided that I won't be getting into anything serious for a year after my breakup, but I jumped into dating and I'm just not sure it's serving me in the same way it was when I first got here. Recently I've had a bit of a revolving door of people I've gone on dates with, enough so that it's been possible for dating to consume me nearly as much as my previous relationship did (for scale, there was one week when I went on six dates). After spending my time in New York focused entirely on the joy of friendship and family, save for the one date I went on just for fun, I have decided to take a break and reassess and maybe resume in January. Maybe I'll never date again!

I think it might be good for me to write more at some point about how my previous relationship shaped my life and constricted me and how I want to be more intentional about not falling into a similar pattern moving forward, but I'll leave it at that for now. 

Until next time!

11.16.2021 (Tuesday)

 An update on the past few days. On Thursday, I went into the office in person, had a birthday lunch with my coworkers (a day early, Friday was my birthday), went to trivia with friends, and went to a hustle lesson. Two weeks ago on Thursday, I was at bachata night at the place I go to dance, and there was a hustle social going on in the other room. My friend and I poked our heads in and I was absolutely in awe! I'd never known that the hustle was a dance, much less a partner dance, and had absolutely no idea that it was so beautiful or that it came along with such a close-knit, vibrant community of people. That evening, I decided I needed to learn it and so I went back this Thursday and attended the lesson. A lot of social dancing spaces can be very sow-off-y and heteronormative, but this wasn't! It's exactly the dance community I've been looking for out here to take the place that the blues dancing community where I used to live occupied. 

On Friday, I really didn't do much. I went for a long walk, bought a pair of pants, and talked to some friends on the phone. 

Saturday was spent largely preparing for my birthday party that night. I bought a flat iron so I could do my hair the way I wanted, bought food, and made an unexpected trip to another town an hour and a half away (one way) to pick up my friend because they weren't going to be able to make the last bus down to come to my party. Not to toot my own horn, but my birthday party theme was absolutely brilliant. It was a cocktail party, so I asked that other people not bring gifts but bring cocktail ingredients instead, and the dress code was simply "outdress me" (left open ended on purpose). This was my first birthday party since I was fourteen or fifteen or so, I'm twenty-three now, and it went wonderfully! I always hated my own birthday parties and used to sneak away to cry at every single one of them that I can remember, but I didn't this year. I just had a good time! I ate good food, drank good cocktails other people made for me, and listened to good music! One great thing about adulthood is that your friends understand that if you host a party you're also generally the person cleaning up the next day, so some of my friends put everything away afterwards while I was off somewhere being drunk and doing god knows what. Two of my friends slept over and the three of us went to brunch the next morning. 

Sunday was quite an uneventful day. Post-party, I felt a bit empty (and, needless to say, a bit hungover) so I spent a lot of it napping and not really doing anything productive. I thought again about the whole "dating" thing, and I think I may take a break for a bit and focus my energy more into my friendships. I don't really see a reason to date at the moment unless I meet somebody I really click with right off the bat, and as we know my current crush lives elsewhere so I doubt that'll happen any time soon. But we shall see. 

There's not much to say about yesterday or today, other than that I have a date tonight. Tomorrow morning, I'll be flying across the country to New York City visit my older sibling (and parents, they're visiting at the same time) for their birthday! And my best friend lives in the city, so we'll be having Thanksgiving together!

Until next time!

11.10.2021 (Wednesday)

My period is catching up with me. I don't feel too good today. I dreamt about my ex last night, I'm not getting much done, and I'm obsessing over my crush -- I think I may have overdone it on that front, letting myself fantasize too much. I think I'd be sad if he never came to visit me, and at this point a visit from him doesn't seem very likely. Maybe I should find a new crush. 

I wanted to go for a lunchtime walk and decided I'd finally put the new license plates on my car first, but I couldn't unscrew the back one so I ended up using the entire hour I'd given myself on my car rather than on a nice, relaxing walk. Unfortunate. 

My car-related errands took me to an area of the city I'd never been to before, and I think I'll need to find an excuse to go back there. There's a waxing place there and I've never been waxed before but always been curious, so maybe I'll go try that (or not, it seems painful). Maybe I'll just drive somewhere over there, park my car somewhere, and go for a walk. 

My birthday is coming up, but I'm no longer in much of a birthday mood. I'll have to find a way to put myself back into the birthday mood. I need to clean my apartment before my party on Saturday. I meant to do that today. 

I have trivia with my friends tomorrow evening and will likely go dancing afterwards, so I've got that to look forward to. 

Until next time! 

11.9.2021 (Tuesday)

Today isn't a particularly exciting day to write about. I went into the office, which is always nice because I quite like my coworkers and there's a good back and forth with just enough mockery to keep everybody going. It was sunny in the morning so we made big plans to sit out on the roof in the sun and eat lunch but, of course, it was cloudy by the time lunch rolled around and then poured all afternoon. But I suppose that's how it goes sometimes. Most of my coworkers are at least in their thirties, but the one other woman in my studio is only a year older than me. She and I met on bumble bff a few weeks before I started at our company, so I came in already knowing somebody. It was nice. She and I also moved here right around the same time, despite her having started working here (remotely because of covid) nearly a year before I did. She's one of my best friends in the city. We often go into the office on the same days, though admittedly she's more consistent about it than I am, and we always walk home together. 

I'd planned to go for at least a little bit of a walk after work today but with the rain and it being darker earlier (thanks, daylight savings) I decided not to and lazed around my apartment until I came to the conclusion that I wouldn't be cooking my own dinner and went to go get Indian takeout from my favorite place. I know it's my favorite because I pass by another Indian place to get there without even considering going to the closer one instead. An added plus is that it reminds me of the boy I have a crush on, because he's the person I first went there with. I enjoy thinking about him immensely because I can do it with absolutely no repercussions, because the crush I have on him isn't actually as big as I like to pretend it is and because he doesn't even live in the same city as me. I haven't had a proper crush in three years, so I'm relishing in it. Please don't tell him.

Tomorrow, I'll go for a walk sometime during the day. Tonight, I might watch a movie. I might just go to bed early. We'll see how it pans out. 

Until next time! 

11.8.2021 (Monday)

Today has been a good day. In the past few months, whenever I've gotten my period its been preceded by a few days of sublime sadness and dreams about my ex, but today I got my period and the only thing I've felt recently that's out of the ordinary is drawn to the idea of celibacy. I'll wait until a week after my period to make any decisions about that. 

This weekend was a good one. As I think I mentioned in yesterday's post, I've recently realized that I can do whatever I want to, whenever I want to. This weekend was an exercise in exactly that. On Friday, my next door neighbor and best friend here, Jon, came over for a quick dinner before we went our separate ways. I went out for a drink and then to a little concert with an old friend of mine who's in town and whom I hadn't seen in six years. It's one of those friendships where there might be a possibility for romance if you're in the right place at the right time, but we never are. In keeping with the theme, I decided partway through the night that I didn't particularly want to be there anymore, excused myself, and left. I wasn't feeling particularly well, but by the time I'd walked back to my apartment I felt completely fine and so I think that may have been my body giving me an excuse to go do what I wanted to do, which was to hang out by myself. 

On Saturday, I cleaned my apartment, sat on my sofa admiring my work for a few minutes, and decided I should start a sewing project. And so I did. My apartment is no longer neat, there's fabric and patterns and sewing implements strewn all over the floor, but it is clean so that's a step up from being both messy and dirty, which it was before. I had to buy a few things because I realized I didn't have all the materials to make what I was making, so I ended up at a cute little independent fabric store. They didn't have exactly what I was looking for, but I found something else that I like just as much as my original idea. It was frantic, but I was able to make a wearable, though not entirely finished, top for the concert I went to that night. Jon and I rushed to the concert and only realized once we got there that we were nearly an hour early because I had misread the door time as the start time. We got a couple drinks and sat in a booth until our other friends showed up. After the concert, we met up with Jon's partner at our usual bar before going to a twenty-four hour diner and walking the walk back home in the rain. 

Yesterday was one of those days where you wake up and know you simply do not wish to spend any significant amount of time doing anything with anybody, so I cancelled my date. I worked a bit more on the top I sewed before the concert while on a video call with one of my best friends in the whole world, who currently lives in Dubai and, consequently, is difficult to pin down for a call. After we hung up, the clouds cleared a bit and the light shining in through my windows inspired me to go for a walk. I thought I'd just walk until it started raining again (supposedly thirty minutes later) but it never really did, so I just kept walking until I'd walked all eight miles around the lake I live near. I got some soup to warm me up along the way. A sunny day in a rainy city is a thing to be cherished. 

Today, I didn't do much. I woke up early and started working at seven because I hadn't gotten as much done on Friday as I'd hoped I would. After work, I took a shower and went for another walk. I sat on a bench and read a book. I cancelled my dinner plans. I just got done eating some split pea soup at home by myself and I'm listening to a playlist I made that reminds me of being fourteen but in a good way. I might watch a movie tonight or I might not. 

Until next time! 

11.7.2021 (Sunday)

I'm not much of a writer. When I was young, I had so many stories bouncing around inside my head and felt as though I was racing to get them all on paper in time. I no longer feel that way. I couldn't tell you the last time I sat down and felt the words flow out of me, aside from when I write in my diary. And so, I've decided that I'd like to try putting that out there. Of course, this can't include everything I write when I write for just myself, but I think it seems fun to keep a bit more of a curated journal online. This will be an exercise in finding a balance.

I was tempted to give myself a schedule and rules to follow, but I've come to the conclusion that that's probably unwise if I expect myself actually to do it, as the only rules I really follow are rules that ban certain things (I have quite a guilty conscience). I'm not sure if this will go on particularly long or what the entries will look like, but I hope that people enjoy reading this, should they ever come across it.

Now, I suppose, it's probably appropriate for me to give a bit of background about who I am. I've recently graduated from college and moved to a new city for a job (a career job!). I've also recently been dumped after a two and a half year long relationship. The dumping happened after the graduating and before the moving, so I spent a large portion of my summer in my college town, feeling down in the dumps, spending all my free time watching TV and being too emotional to do much else. Since the move, I've spent very little time watching TV and significantly less time feeling down in the dumps (though I have still spent a bit of time down in the dumps, but I suppose that's natural). 

I feel as though I'm in a very transitory phase in my life at the moment and that I'm shifting from being who I was when I was in a relationship and in college (not much of a person, I simply didn't have enough time to be) to being the person I am and want to be. I'm creating this version of myself. I've been spending a lot of time by myself and, as cheesy as it sounds, I've been trying to think of that less as time spent by myself and more as time spent with myself. I've also recently come to the realization that, because of the position I'm in and so long as I'm fulfilling my few responsibilities, I can simply do whatever I want to whenever I want to. I'm a bit out of practice when it comes to identifying what I truly want at any given moment, but I've been practicing and trying to lean into it and I've begun remembering how to. It's been quite rewarding. Perhaps I'll write more on that later. But I think I'm done writing for today. 

Until next time!