11.7.2021 (Sunday)

I'm not much of a writer. When I was young, I had so many stories bouncing around inside my head and felt as though I was racing to get them all on paper in time. I no longer feel that way. I couldn't tell you the last time I sat down and felt the words flow out of me, aside from when I write in my diary. And so, I've decided that I'd like to try putting that out there. Of course, this can't include everything I write when I write for just myself, but I think it seems fun to keep a bit more of a curated journal online. This will be an exercise in finding a balance.

I was tempted to give myself a schedule and rules to follow, but I've come to the conclusion that that's probably unwise if I expect myself actually to do it, as the only rules I really follow are rules that ban certain things (I have quite a guilty conscience). I'm not sure if this will go on particularly long or what the entries will look like, but I hope that people enjoy reading this, should they ever come across it.

Now, I suppose, it's probably appropriate for me to give a bit of background about who I am. I've recently graduated from college and moved to a new city for a job (a career job!). I've also recently been dumped after a two and a half year long relationship. The dumping happened after the graduating and before the moving, so I spent a large portion of my summer in my college town, feeling down in the dumps, spending all my free time watching TV and being too emotional to do much else. Since the move, I've spent very little time watching TV and significantly less time feeling down in the dumps (though I have still spent a bit of time down in the dumps, but I suppose that's natural). 

I feel as though I'm in a very transitory phase in my life at the moment and that I'm shifting from being who I was when I was in a relationship and in college (not much of a person, I simply didn't have enough time to be) to being the person I am and want to be. I'm creating this version of myself. I've been spending a lot of time by myself and, as cheesy as it sounds, I've been trying to think of that less as time spent by myself and more as time spent with myself. I've also recently come to the realization that, because of the position I'm in and so long as I'm fulfilling my few responsibilities, I can simply do whatever I want to whenever I want to. I'm a bit out of practice when it comes to identifying what I truly want at any given moment, but I've been practicing and trying to lean into it and I've begun remembering how to. It's been quite rewarding. Perhaps I'll write more on that later. But I think I'm done writing for today. 

Until next time!