I got back from my trip to New York on Friday and I've been feeling a bit uninspired about documenting it in here... I think I will soon, but when I tried to write about it earlier, it felt flat and I realized I wouldn't want to read what I was writing.
I've spent this weekend mostly by myself, which was nice and a bit odd after having spent a week and a half constantly surrounded by my friends and family while I was visiting. I do think it was much needed. Friday evening and Saturday morning I was with one of my best friends here. I haven't told her about this whole online journal thing yet, so I haven't asked if I can use her name in it. For now, we'll refer to her as B. On Friday, B and I went out for barbecue, then lazed around my apartment and watched Rupaul's Drag Race (which I'd never watched before) until I couldn't keep my eyes open anymore. She went home because, although it was originally intended to be a sleepover, she wasn't tired yet and I kept falling asleep, which I'll blame on jet lag. I woke up bright and early (though not very bright, we live in a dark and rainy place) and we went to a French bakery to get breakfast, which we ate at her apartment. I'd never been to her apartment before. We always hang out at my apartment because it's bigger and has more seating and also because I require more social interaction than she does so I'm usually the one to make plans and invite her over.
I told myself that I'd work on sewing projects I've been neglecting and maybe clean my apartment for the rest of the day before maybe seeing Jon in the evening, but none of those things came to fruition. There was a nice glow coming in through the kitchen window, so I took off on a walk. Whenever I set out on a walk, I decide it's going to be short and sweet and I don't bother dressing for the weather or making sure my phone has a charge before I leave. Yesterday's walk ended up being three hours long and took me almost all the way to a friend's work, but I decided about ten minutes before I would've arrived that I needed to go home because I had a momentary burst of sewing inspiration, which did not survive the hour-long walk home. I had to go to the FedEx store to pick up a package, which turned out to be a pair of fancy pajamas I ordered online when I got my second paycheck. The first paycheck was used to replenish my saving's account after I'd drained it in the process of moving. I spent a good portion of the rest of the day lounging around in my new pajamas and reading a book on my sofa, and asked Jon if he wanted to spend some time together. Jon told me he'd let me know when he was available in the evening, which he never did. Not that I particularly expected him to.
Today was a very lazy day, though I did manage to do one or two productive things. I woke up at 7:30 but somehow didn't leave my apartment until nearly 11, despite my plans to be up and at 'em early today. I decided to drive to a part of town I'd only been in once before to take care of some errands (really just buying soap). Life is more fun when you do mundane tasks in kind of random places rather than staying around your area. I generally prefer to walk, but after yesterday's nine mile walk, I figured it was fine if I drove instead. Plus, I generally only drive once every two or three weeks for some random errand or to pick a friend up from the airport. For a moment there, I had enough friends coming and going that I could've come up with a name and started a lucrative airport shuttle business. I got breakfast near the store I was going to and got a decent breakfast sandwich. Nothing to write home about (though that makes it funny that I'm writing about it here), but satisfying nonetheless. I also went to the grocery store. Trader Joe's, to be more specific, which means that I came home with an interesting selection of frozen foods, but couldn't find sardines to put on the focaccia I bought. In hindsight, I have a hard time imagining that there wasn't a single can of sardines in the entire store, but I didn't find it and so it didn't seem to exist.
A majority of my afternoon was spent alone. I'm not entirely certain what I did in the time after I got back from the store, but I know I didn't get most of the things on my to do list done. I did, however, end up spending time with Jon. He came over and we chatted and caught up about the last two weeks and ate some pistachios. I really love the moments we spend together, him on the little blue sofa and me on the big green one, talking about all sorts of things and also nothing at all. Today, I proclaimed to him that I've decided to stop being interested in my crush and that I may simply decide never to fall in love again because it doesn't quite seem worth it. He told me that I'm not really in charge of that and that it's all a part of being human. He's been spending a lot of time with his partner recently, as opposed to before they started dating (which makes a lot of sense), and so I try to make the most of our time together by being as obnoxious as possible.
As I've written about in here before, I've been thinking a lot about time spent by myself and how I can make the most of it. Not in a productivity way, but in an enjoyment of human existence sort of way. I think that maybe the best way for me to do that is to take a break from dating. Again, I've gone into it a bit before, but I feel like I really lost the ability to spend time by myself during my previous relationship, which made having such an abrupt breakup more difficult for me than it already would've been. I already decided that I won't be getting into anything serious for a year after my breakup, but I jumped into dating and I'm just not sure it's serving me in the same way it was when I first got here. Recently I've had a bit of a revolving door of people I've gone on dates with, enough so that it's been possible for dating to consume me nearly as much as my previous relationship did (for scale, there was one week when I went on six dates). After spending my time in New York focused entirely on the joy of friendship and family, save for the one date I went on just for fun, I have decided to take a break and reassess and maybe resume in January. Maybe I'll never date again!
I think it might be good for me to write more at some point about how my previous relationship shaped my life and constricted me and how I want to be more intentional about not falling into a similar pattern moving forward, but I'll leave it at that for now.
Until next time!
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