All of the background info leading up to my current dilemma with paper. Or maybe ink.

It's very hard to know. After all, the two go hand in hand and if I were to change one, the other might become an issue. For a little while now, I've been carving stamps to liven up boring stationery to write letters to friends with. (Side note: if you'd like to send me your address, please do go ahead. I would love to write to you.) I fell off a bit when the whole "moving to another country" thing happened. Actually, let me not lie here, I fell off a bit before that. Regardless, my point still stands, as the only point I'm trying to make here is that it is a thing that I do. Why is it so much more difficult to write the first paragraph of a blog post about paper than it is to write those silly stream of consciousness ones? I digress.

I don't know if you're into fountain pens or paper or whatnot, so I'll assume you're not and just give you the background information. And the background to my specific situation. Fountain pen ink is very different from the ink in, say, a ballpoint pen. Rather than sitting on top of the paper, it seeps much deeper into the paper. In Germany, it is very common for people to use fountain pens, as they're required in school, so a lot of notebooks and paper options you can buy here are much more fountain pen friendly than they are in the US. In the US, you really have to be particular about what it is you're buying if you're going to be writing with a fountain pen, and you can find some random notebooks/writing pads/etc. that are great for it and others that you think would be good that really just aren't. I don't particularly like to write in Moleskine notebooks with fountain pens, but I've had random legal pads before that work well. Do I still write in Moleskine notebooks with a fountain pen from time to time? Of course. 

I ran out of the stationery my mom had gotten me for Christmas years ago probably around this time last year. Maybe a few months later. That was the catalyst for all of this. I had a very specific image in my head of what sort of stationery I wanted to buy, if I was going to spend money on it, and I just couldn't find anything that was up to par and in my price range. I found everything worthwhile to be too expensive and everything within my price range to be ugly. Also, I wanted very specific things like stationery with bleeding hearts (they're my favorite flower) and snails and the like. Not necessarily impossible to find, but just difficult enough to put me off. And what if I found beautiful, affordable stationery and then the paper was poor quality and didn't do well with fountain pen ink? As silly as it is, this was a multi-day dilemma. It haunted me. I went down a number of Etsy rabbit holes and accidentally almost paid $10 for a couple sheets of Soviet era stationery at one point. I would highly recommend searching the word "ephemera" on Etsy. 

Anyway. I had decided that, if nobody else was going to do it for me, I would simply have to make my own stationery to my liking. I'd learned in an art class once in middle or high school about lino printing and had just done it for the first time since with only my vague memory of how to do it to guide me. That was totally enough because, as I'm sure you know, it is extremely self explanatory. The important thing to note here is that I decided I was too lazy to use actual ink and a roller so I've just been using ink pads for stamps this whole entire time. 

Paper! Finally! The thing I said this was all about. By this point, I was in Utah with my older sibling, who is extremely into pens and paper and calligraphy. I am more interested in it than the average person, sure, but I defer to them on any and all related questions. I tried out the paper they have, didn't like it, and ordered some other ones for myself.

They had two A5 tablets (no, I'm not being a weirdo calling them tablets, that is what they're called) and I'm fairly certain one was the G. Lalo Verge de France and the other was the Original Crown Mill Classic Laid. I'm 100% sure of the brands but not sure if they were exactly those or some other similar products, I'm basing them off of what's currently available on the Goulet Pens website because that's where they buy most of their writing stuff from. What I found was that both of those had a bit too much tooth for my liking. I prefer a smooooooth writing experience. Based on that, we went onto the Goulet website and compared and just chose what seemed, based on the reviews, to match what I wanted. I ended up with a tablet of the Clairefontaine Triomphe and the Original Crown Mill Pure Cotton, also both A5 tablets. I bought the matching Clairefontaine envelopes but not the Original Crown Mill (it felt silly to buy cotton envelopes and my sibling had some regular ones from the brand that I took). 

Paper 1: Clairefontaine Triomphe

This one is a regular pulp paper (I'm not sure that that's what it's actually called, but that's what I call it). If you've ever used a Rhodia (they're sister companies or owned by the same company or one is a subset of the other, I can't remember) notebook or pad, you've got an idea as to the texture. It's extremely smooth and sometimes you feel as though you can't think or write fast enough for how quickly your pen sails across the page. This paper is stark, stark white. 

The envelopes have a straight across flap and are peel and seal envelopes. 

Paper 2: Original Crown Mill Pure Cotton

When I say cotton, I mean cotton. I know, I know, I know. It seems ridiculous. This paper is seriously so nice though. It's extremely smooth and homogenous while still having the tiniest bit of tooth. It feels so crisp. I could go on and on and on. The paper is a bit of a warmer white. Ever so slightly off-white. Not in a way that I would say should make them brand it as off white, but still. It is embossed with the Original Crown Mill branding, which I ideally wouldn't have, but you can't win them all. The Clairefontaine Triomphe is not embossed. 

The envelopes (regular, not cotton) have an angled flap and are gummed. 

I only have one fountain pen with me in Germany and that's my LAMY Safari, which I'm using with the LAMY T53 Crystal Ink in a color I can't remember the name of. Isn't that embarrassing? Looking online, it seems that the closest match is azurite, but that has shimmer so I don't think that's it. Oh well. I'll leave a note here if I ever do figure it out. This ink I'm using is a true blue, which is different from what I'm used to. I used to religiously use the LAMY blue/black ink until I decided one day that I was over it and that I was now into true blue and true black. 

The ink pads I'm using at the moment for the stamps are the Ranger Archival Ink, which I got at the stamp shop near my job. I wonder if it's the only stamp shop in all of Berlin as it is the first stamp shop I've ever heard of existing. 

Today, I bought a bike

I'm always so excited when I go to your blog and see that you've written!! What a joy it is!! 

I definitely think you and I are thinking of slightly different meanings of the word meek. Having met you in real life, I can say that you are not meek in the way that man is meek. It was not anything to do with him being shy or quiet, in fact I've mostly dated people with those traits, but that he seemed to be trying to be the sort of person he thought I would be interested in, agreeing with me too much and not really sharing any substantial opinions of his own. I don't want somebody who is trying to conform to something to get me to like them. I want to enjoy the journey of getting to know somebody for who they are and discovering all the things that make them tick. 

Like the title says, I bought a bike today!! I have been meaning to do this for quite a while. My plan has been to buy one bike for around town for less than 150€ and then maybe buy a second, more expensive, one four touring this summer. Bikes get stolen a lot here so I really didn't want to risk it with a nicer one, even with a good lock. 

I have not read the passion by Jeanette Winterson but I will!!

What else is there to say? I'm not sure. I might make another post later today about paper. I've been having a lot of thoughts recently and also a bit of a dilemma. 

I went to Amsterdam to see a friend

I forgot to finish writing this on Tuesday and so also didn't post it but now I'm posting it, incomplete. Oh well. 

On Sunday, a week and a half ago now, I got a text from a friend of mine asking what I'd be up to the following weekend because he might be in Amsterdam. I'll spare you the specifics of the back and forth, but he sent me the text in the mid afternoon and we had booked the trip before I went to sleep that night. 88€ round trip! Wow! It's kind of amazing I can just do that now. Also amazing I crossed a border on a regional train. Also amazing that Amsterdam has shops where you can buy "magic truffles" which are ever so slightly different from regular psilocybin mushrooms (they grow underground, not above) and therefore legal. They're like dispensaries, you choose which strain you want based on which effects you want. Again, amazing! What a crazy thing! I thought my friend was kidding or deluded when he explained it to me, but then we saw a shop and he was right! 

I got in late on Friday night, around two in the morning, after a four-train adventure. On the first one, I met this beautiful classically trained singer whom I chatted with on and off for the entire ride. We exchanged contact info at the end and now I have a place to stay in Münster if I'm ever there, which means I need to find an excuse to go there ASAP. 

Well, I went on my first date in Berlin.

It was good in that I had fun and enjoyed the conversation, but I just do not see it going anywhere romantically. He was too meek. It was the guy from the blues dancing thing last week. Anyway, I've dated people before who can be described as meek and although it feels a little mean to say it, I can't stand them. Like. Grow up. But I do think we can be friends! I am debating whether or not that is something that I need to explicitly say, because it wasn't explicitly a date and didn't have much of a romantic vibe (or really any at all) but it is possible that he thought that because I was enjoying myself that meant it was a Good Date. You know what I mean? I may just see what it's like the next time we see one another, probably on Friday night for blues dancing again, and then decide whether it needs to be addressed or not. I really can't picture him making a move on me (again, he's too meek). 

In general at the moment I'm not seeking out dates. I'm not on the apps and I haven't been meeting anybody I want to go on a date with, I kind of just went on this one because why not? I enjoyed chatting with him last weekend so there wasn't any reason not to. And hey, maybe I could've realized that I am attracted to him and do want to date him. But I didn't.

I am so sleeeeepy and I don't know why

I got enough sleep last night! I had a headache last night and have it again today. And I spent all day yesterday doing one mind numbingly boring task, so I think that may have played into it a bit. I ran some errands today. I feel like you know you really do live in a place when you run into people you know on the street and I was thinking about that a bit today. Berlin is such a big city and I know so few people and I've only been here a month and so running into anybody I know is very unlikely. Would you believe me if I said that it happened to me today? I was on my way to the Kiehl's shop in downtown Berlin and was passing in front of the opera house and another girl I know from my hometown stopped me on the street! She'd been at a yoga class in the opera house, very interesting. I've been meaning to get together with her since I got here, but hadn't gotten around to it yet. We chatted for a minute and now I might be going to her dnd campaign's Valentine's Day extravaganza on Wednesday. I'm very excited about that. 

I came home, thinking maybe I'd take a nap. Haven't done that. Did watch some youtube videos and some instagram reels. That all didn't help the headache. I'm heading out soon to this art exhibit thing that I think is like lights? I didn't bother to look closely at the website before agreeing to go. We said we'd go out to a bar after if we're feeling up to it but I don't really think I'll be feeling up to it... I think I want to come home and watch a movie and go to sleep early.

I! Am! Making! Friends!!!

I think I generally just prefer writing something somebody else will read over writing in a diary, which is a shame because I do think diaries are great (and I do keep one, kind of inconsistently). Not sure if it's just this week or if it'll continue, but there definitely is a chance this will become a nearly daily thing in the longer term. 

Yesterday was excellent!!! I met up with my friend (I feel like I can call her that at this point, I think this is the beginning of us spending more time together and I've really enjoyed all the time I've spent with her and can only assume it's mutual) and her guy she's "kind of seeing right now" at a building that belongs to her university because it's near where the protest was starting. Her other friend somehow ended up in a suburb of Berlin because the same street address exists there, so we waited quite a while for her and didn't get to the protest until quite late. Oops. It was weird, though, because my phone took me to the right place. Apparently a lot of places in Berlin exist twice, because this is the second time I've had this issue and I've only had like four social outings since moving here. 

So many of the people in my life have lived such bizarre and interesting lives that you constantly get whiplash hearing their stories and this girl is absolutely at the top of that list. Definitely top five, maybe top three. Absolutely top three if we're only counting people in our general age range. I really do want to tell you all the stories I heard yesterday but I just don't feel like they're mine to share publicly on the internet (even though I know, realistically, it's at maximum you and two other people reading this). 

None of us dressed for the weather, so in our protesting adventures we got absolutely soaked. We also got lost at one point trying to find the protest and then I, the person who has lived in Berlin the shortest time, guided us to it. Afterward, we ended up going to a bar and having some beers and smoking cigarettes (indoors! my coat smells of them now) (I didn't smoke any cigarettes inside but they did. I figure if I stick to one cigarette when I'm out with friends, unless I'm drunk, I wont get addicted and I'd already had my allotted one cigarette of the day) and chatting for a couple hours. Lots of laughter, lots of hypothetical plans made (backpacking trip in Bulgaria?), lots of stories told. Her boy and her friend are also people who have a lot of crazy stories. To give a little taste, the way she and her friend met involves an exorcism and the reason for Bulgaria being a destination of choice is because of a recent trip there by her and her boy that was because a friend of his had unfinished business with the Bulgarian mafia. 

I have some sort of growth on the back of my left shoulder. It's either a cyst or it's a giant zit and I've been kind of freaking out about it for the past couple of days. I told them about this and, wouldn't you know, her friend has a long history of with cysts and giant zits and other similar things! One time, she had to have a cyst surgically removed from her butt cheek that left a gaping hole she had to pack with gauze for a few weeks following the surgery. Inconvenient, but not necessarily a huge problem, except for the fact that she's a stripper and had to take time off from work because how are you going to work with a huge hole in your butt cheek? Regardless, she wrote down exactly what I should do and what medicine I needed and I went to a pharmacy and got the goods and did as told before bed last night. 

I need to buy a bicycle soon. 

Blues dancing in Berlin, finally.

I took an ubahn line to its last stop and walked fifteen minutes or so in the dark (not complete dark, but Berlin really ought to have more street lamps than it does) until I got to a little bar at the very end of its street. The place has a dancefloor and there's an upper area in the back (open to the dancefloor) with seating. Some sofas and armchairs and, farther back, tables and regular chairs. Not the best explanation. I'll try to remember to take a photo next time. 

When I got there, they were just finishing up the lesson and I was really seeing what this guy I met at a swing dancing thing almost two weeks ago said about Germans and moving their hips. Not the best innate sense of rhythm and not the best hip mobility. Once the lesson was over and people started to dance socially, though, I was pleasantly surprised! Whenever I go to a new place for dancing, I tend to dance more with older men than any other demographic (my least common demographic is women my own age) and last night was no different. I was chatting up a storm and asking them who they recommend I dance with next and I've come to realize that it is very common here to dance two or three songs in a row with somebody, even if you don't know them. That's very explicitly bad manners in other social dance scenes I've been in. It's really been throwing me for a loop and, if I didn't enjoy dancing with them, I still feel a little obligated to dance another song with them. 

I danced with a few very very very good leads, but didn't chat too much with any of them. No instant bonds there. 

There was a man there whom I'd met when I went swing dancing nearly two weeks ago now, an older Mexican man who's lived in Berlin for seventeen years. I'm about to head out in about five minutes to go to a protest (pro-Palestine) and he may meet me there. We exchanged numbers. I also met someone my own age (wow!!!), a British guy I chatted with for quite a while after he bought me a beer. I can't tell if he was flirting with me or not, he's kind of the twink to end all twinks but I've come to realize I'm just the type of woman bisexual twinks are interested in so I'm not sure that's a reason to rule the possibility out. Regardless, it doesn't really matter because I am not interested in him in a flirtatious way. I would like to be his friend though and plan to make that happen. We also exchanged numbers. 

I'm meeting up at the protest with a girl from my hometown. I've always thought she's so cool, but we've never been friends. We bonded a bit this summer at a music festival right before I came out to Germany for my big Finding a Job Trip. She told me to let her know if I ended up in Berlin and, well, here we are. 

I've been considering for quite a while (probably about a year now) getting a lip piercing. I've heard it referred to as a pout, though I doubt that's the real name, it's the one in the center of the bottom lip that goes in right under the lip and comes out in the front of the lip. I would get one that's just one hole right under the lip, but lip piercings are actually really bad for your teeth, so I don't want any metal fully inside of my mouth. 

I burst out laughing at the thought of you smelling like a horse farm.

 That's all.

Another blog post, just under the wire...

Third blog post since deleting twitter from my phone on Sunday morning... hmmm... 

Anyway, I'll try to make this one a bit less angsty than the last few, but that is kind of just how I've been feeling. Today there's something new, though. I am feeling a little bit insane. At one point today I could feel my brain melting and expanding against my skull, threatening to break through and ooze out of my ears. I'm not even kidding. I don't think people were meant to sit at a computer all day (though here I am, at a computer again) and I have a theory that I am one of the most extreme cases of not being meant to sit at a computer all day. Or maybe that's just because we're all trying to hide from one another how utterly insane it makes us feel. 

There's another strike on Friday from 3am until 10am and it's going to make me late to work, so I'm going in early tomorrow and will work nine hours. I really truly think it might make me go insane. I am going to take a shower now and then go for a walk and then I am going to come back and look up everybody you listed in your post from yesterday and take a good, long look at their artwork. I think I need to walk more. I'm feeling inspired by your five mile Wednesdays. 

Re: your rejection from the exhibition, I'm sorry to hear that! I do think outside motivation is necessary sometimes, as much as we'd like to imagine we should be able to operate in a vacuum. 

Re: scents, I have been on the search for something that will make me smell like the idea of what you'd smell like after working in a garden all day long. I know the reality well, having worked as a gardener, and it's mostly just stinky and sweaty, but I'd like something that's herbal and floral and a touch mulchy and smells like the sun is beating down on you. Do you know of anything? Also, if you do end up launching a brand, I would like to be one of your first customers. 

I think I need to really get to work thinking about my career because there is no world in which I can just keep on sitting at a desk for the rest of my life. I am considering gardening again or going to school for horticulture or maybe becoming a bicycle mechanic (I, who cannot change a bike tire) or maybe becoming a massage therapist. Regardless, I would like to minimize time spent sitting at a desk in front of a computer. Admittedly, though, I am hoping this insanity is only temporary and that I am just settling in and that soon I will feel normal about work. I do doubt it, though... 

If a tree falls in a forest and only I am there to hear it, does it make a sound?

I'm not entirely sure this is universal but I do imagine I'm not alone in this and that it's actually quite a bit more common than I'd think it is. So much of the time I spend alone I feel as though I don't quite exist. Unless I'm doing something Big. A Saturday walking around town and running errands or a Monday evening spent cleaning up and showering and preparing for the week are just black holes. I didn't "do" anything with them, I have no proof that anything even happened at all, other than the stocked fridge or the clothes back on their hangers. If I make something or I really do something (a hike, perhaps) I feel like the time actually passed in a meaningful way. Not in the sense that I find those things meaningful, which I do, but in the sense that every minute was put toward something. Sometimes, it can be shocking to be out running errands and look down at your watch and see that hours have gone by and all you've done is bought one book, tried to come up with a good grocery list, and found out that the art supply store you wanted to go to is closed for renovations. Why do things happen the way they do?

I deleted twitter from my phone yesterday morning. We'll see how long that lasts. Before you ask, yes I did still check in the evening yesterday from my laptop. And tonight, too. I've been told that's harm reduction. 

Maybe continuing to exist when nobody else is around is one of the more difficult things I'll have to learn to do in my 20s.

There's a strike and I'm making friends and I was on my period.

I guess it's what it sounds like. There was a rail strike which meant I took the earliest possible trains to and from the town in northern Germany where my friend whose birthday it was lives. That also coincided with a protest, which was kind of fun. I basically stepped out of the train station and into a huge crowd (I think the estimate was ten thousand?) of people protesting against the far right political party here in Germany. The birthday party was lovely but I was pooped from my day of travel and fell asleep on the sofa. Oops. 

I've begun making friends in Berlin a little bit. One is a coworker and three are friends of friends. I've yet to meet somebody, like, truly organically here. I guess the coworker is organic but she started a week after I did so we we're brand new together. One of the new friends is sort of a soulmate person. I've only met her twice but I have this strong sense of kinship toward her right off the bat and I'm hoping it leads somewhere beautiful (platonically). I think we'll see one another this week. She just had a pretty major surgery and so I'll go over there with some flowers and snacks and see if there's anything else I can do to support her. 

This past week was rough because a boy I've been in sort of constant contact with for about a month lost interest in me and kind of went AWOL at exactly the same time that my period started. Oh well. Neither the former nor the latter was much of a surprise. My period came when it was supposed to and, well, I knew that would happen with the boy sooner or later. What can you do? Back to the drawing board, I suppose. That or try to be a little less obsessed with romance. It feels sometimes like it's the only thing I think about.